Wednesday, April 25, 2001
Subject: Forward from Sick Kids

Ever so carefully I climb into James' hospital bed and cuddle up next to him. He is in frightful pain. "And now the pain that was below my sternum is in my sternum and above it too!" Each breath is a big effort and accompanied by a little moan. IV morphine was expected to control the pain but it hasn't. The dose has been increased yet the pain worsens. "Please rub my leg" The nurse takes his blood pressure and he weeps from the pain of the inflated cuff. Then he tells me "Ben And Becca are the best brother and sister in the whole world".

I warm up a bean bag for the back of his head.

It's six a.m. and it slowly filters through to me that perhaps it's time to call in the family. Do we want Rebecca and Ben to see him like this? Yes, it is better than being denied a final goodbye. But then James always bounces back.

Won't he come back from the precpice again this time? I really hope so, but his appalling condition suggests otherwise.

A gap. Now it's ten a.m. James has improved and is a bit more comfortable.

The increased morphine dose seems to be helping. We have had a meeting with Dr Baruchel and James agrees to go for another round of the ICE chemo, to start immediately, as a palliative measure. Sorry this email is so emotional. Four hours ago I thought we were near the end. Thanks for your support.

Syd and family.

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